From Imposter Syndrome to Diving Head First

By Sue Kaur, 2019 Brooke Owens Fellow

I knew about the Brooke Owens Fellowship program for months. The application was bookmarked on my browser. A few times a week I’d make my way over to the “Apply” page, look at the requirements, and talk myself out of it.

This isn’t for me. I’m not the type of applicant they want. What have I done that is worth talking about? How could I possibly compare myself, and all of my failures, to the brilliant women from the class of 2017 and 2018?

I was intimidated; the imposter syndrome was doing its job. I continued to lurk in the shadows of the internet, following the engaging careers of the founders and Brookies. I watched as they celebrated the accomplishments of one another, formed an army against trolls on reddit, and poured their souls into recruiting the Class of 2019. It took months to realize this was the family I needed and deserved.

It wasn’t until 7 days before the application deadline that I decided to take the leap of faith. I committed to showing the founders and assessors the true me, not the neatly packaged version of Sue Kaur reflected on a CV and social media. If we were going to become a family, I needed them to see me, flaws and all.

So, I laid it all out: The bad grades. Failed projects. Systematic obstacles that made me feel less than deserving. And my desire to prevent these factors from hindering the aspirations of the generation to follow.

At that point I figured what is the worst that could happen? If I don’t get in with this approach, then this program probably wasn’t the right fit for me anyways. But to be accepted under a facade? The imposter syndrome would eat away at me for the rest of my life. Vulnerability and honesty were the only path I could think of.

I asked my mentors Andrew Ging and Tony Boone for letters of recommendation and worked on my application during breaks between my midterm exams at San Jose State University and my internship at NASA Ames Research Center. The desire to become a Brookie lit a fire inside me, fueling me to keep writing and creating art piece for the application. With every iteration (and there were many) I learned something about myself which I never had the time to confront before. It was therapy.

To be frank, the contents of my application were not my best work; it defied the logic of anything I’d created before. But I wanted to be evaluated on the message of my work, not the aesthetics of it. I knew it was my most genuine effort, and something I could stand by, regardless of the outcome.

I remember feeling a wave of calm when I clicked the submit button, 24 hours before the deadline, later sinking into the best sleep I had in a while. In the span of a week, my deflated sense of worth was replaced with self-acceptance and understanding of my purpose. Whether or not I got in was no longer the objective because I knew I was and will always be a “Brookie.”

If you have any questions for Sue regarding her experience or advice feel free to contact her via Linkedin (https://www.linkedin.com/in/sueaerospace/), Slack or email (kaurs@live.com).